DMB Digest: A Little Campaign Kick
...that leaves all of us winners.
Football to the groin. “It works on so many levels.” ~ Homer Simpson
I could end this missive right here. But of course, I won’t. Where would be the fun in that? There is something satisfying about witnessing someone else’s pain. First off, there is the simple relief that comes from knowing it’s not my suffering. But for the witnessed pain to be cathartic it must be a pain I have shared at some point. There must be an underlying layer of empathy, or the satisfaction from witnessing someone else’s suffering won’t land. (This also assumes a level of empathy that rules out sociopathy.)
Thus, a dude witnessing another dude getting doinked in the nuts with a ball tends to generate at the very least a smirk. Most of us have been there. It sucked in the moment. But we survived. And this time, the sucker isn’t me. And so I can laugh. And those are only the first few of the several layers we could peel away when it comes to the pathology of balls and groins. In general, I think so many of the public debates we have been pretending to publicly debate these last several years would be better resolved with an old-fashioned “kick-off.”
If you’ve seen “So I Married an Axe Murderer,” then you know the sort of kick-off I’m referencing—namely a scene where the fighting characters played by Mike Myers and Amanda Plummer exchange kicks to their respective groins. In the end, it doesn’t resolve anything. But it’s funny. And for once, the sucker isn’t me.
This is why I’m campaigning for all campaign ads to be swapped out with candid videos of candidates kicking each other in the nuts. Instead of telling me a bunch of lies intended to manipulate me, and under the assumption that I’m a malleable idiot, which in the end will inevitably reduce half of the audience to suckers and the other half into self-righteous jerks who are glad to not be one of the suckers, I propose the candidates be forced to kick each other in the nuts.
Think about it. It’s the only solution that guarantees the candidates suffer for the sake of the people instead of the other way around. Aren’t they supposed to be serving us? Why do I constantly feel like I’m the one getting kicked? Even when I’m down? Even when I’m just trying to watch professional athletes kill each other on a Sunday afternoon? These campaign ads keep making me and my loved ones out to be the suckers. And there’s no escaping them. They invade my slumber. They dance in my dreams. I accidentally scripted a political comic strip on my walk home yesterday. I wasn’t even trying to. The punch line? Everyone is a sucker. We are all suckers.
And it’s all these candidates’ fault. It’s like they’re all holding hands in some twisted partisan can-can chorus line routinely and rhythmically kicking us all in the nuts to the beat of patriotic music. Before we can recover, they swoop in with the alternate foot and take our breath away. Right. Left. Right. Left. There’s no time to recover. No time to think. Just fall to your knees and pull the voting booth lever on the way down. Afterwards, we’re left curled up on the floor praying the next election never comes. But it will. Oh it will. Midterms in just 24 more months. There’s not enough ice in the world.
Now, surly you can see, the solution is simple. The Groin Kicking in Advertising Campaign Reform Act (GKACRA) of 2026. All political campaign ads must be qualified by including a clip of any and all opponents exchanging kicks to the groin before being allowed to air publicly in any form. And any reproduction of said campaign ads that remove said clip will be punished by fining the corresponding campaign 5% of their war chest for every original instance of violating the GKACRA.
I guarantee it would make us all a little happier this time of year. Well, all of us except those running for public office. But I’m convinced the honest politicians out there would agree: a kick to the groin would be less painful than our current election-cycle-debacle. So please sign your local petition to get GKACRA on the midterm ballot.
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