DMB Digest: All Ye Shall Be Cancelled
My 2022 goal is to get cancelled by being outrageously moderate.
While making and eating my famous three-cheese omelet this morning (and listening to a podcast about Joe Rogan), an unshakable question struck me right in the giblets. If any of you have attempted to finish an omelet while your giblets are stinging from being plucked by a profound life question, then you can relate to my predicament.
The question was a simple one. Why have I not been cancelled?
I mean, all the cool kids are getting cancelled. I should have been cancelled in 2021, and yet, here I am, completely and totally uncancelled. It’s already February of 2022! I know, I know. I get my fare share of sideways glances at the grocery store. Indeed, occasionally mothers will shelter their children from me and even cross over to the other side of the street when I’m seen shuffling along the sidewalk. But I hardly consider that being cancelled. Facebook hasn’t once blocked my account. Twitter hasn’t even put any of those little warning labels on my tweets. Never!
And here I am yammering away on Substack without the slightest pretense of resistance. Okay, I get it. It’s possible that these platforms are ignoring me in the hopes that the huge potential media crapstorm that is David Mark Brown will just blow over and leave them intact. It’s also a teensy-tinsy bit possible that I’ve not actually violated any of these platforms’ content rules…or even used them more than a half-dozen times over the last year (in the case of Facebook and Twitter).
Still. Why should only extremists be cancelled? Well, rejoice all yea normies! The good news is that middle-of-the-road people are being cancelled too! That’s were the latest news on Joe Rogan comes to play. If you’re not familiar with Joe Rogan, he is an actor, comedian, UFC commentator, and podcast host. When I say, “podcast host,” I suppose I should add that he is THE podcast host of the largest, most listened to podcast in the English language. And he’s just a dude—a regular, complicated dude who espouses a mix of beliefs and convictions but who remains open and curious to all sorts of stuff. He believes in universal health care...AND individual rights. What?!? He’s hosted Bernie Sanders and Ben Shapiro…and Elon Musk and Dave Chappelle.
He also hosts the occasional conspiracy theorist. In general, he’ll host just about anyone who he is curious about and can be entertaining and interesting enough to fill the hour. Recently, Joe discovered the fast track to the heart of cancel culture—Covid-19 vaccination talk. (Don’t look over your shoulder. You’ve just been watch listed for reading an email that mentions “Covid-19 vaccination” and “Joe Rogan” in the same sentence.)
That was when the genius of it all struck me. It’s so simple, my route to personal cancellation. The Simpsons taught us this truth two decades ago when Kang (posing as Bob Dole) offered the public “abortions for some and miniature American flags for others.”
It’s no longer impressive to get cancelled by only pissing off one side or the other. Any chimp with a social media presence can do that. It’s mildly impressive to get cancelled while simultaneously pissing off both sides. But…just how awesome would it be to get cancelled by being totally and offensively moderate? Right?
So I say, “Vaccinations for some, and miniature American flags for others!” Mwahahaha! Go ahead, spread the word! But remember to credit David Mark Brown! I shall get cancelled!
At the Desk This Week
I’m currently searching for large scale purpose and reason in life. So I’ve been wandering around helping strangers and such. Just seeing if I can be offensively helpful and see if it leads to any entertaining trouble of a purposeful sort. So far, I’ve learned that most real people aren’t engaged in political hooha. They’re just trying to survive the grind. All that to say I’ve been avoiding my desk lately in an effort to connect with the real world. I’ll keep all those interested in the loop.
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