Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-science. I think sciencticians are the best. But when it comes to modern medicine and the science of monkeying around with the human body, I think we’ve got around -4% of the discipline figured out.
Despite how complicated cars are these days, when I take my car into the mechanic, I feel it’s at least 50/50 they’ll be able to diagnose the core issue on the first try. With any luck, after running some computer diagnostics they’ll tighten the gas cap and send me on my way. (True story.)
But on the rare occasion I feel compelled to visit the doctor, I enter with the assumption that they are at the equivalent level of a mechanic pounding on the engine block with a ball peen hammer. They might pull out a few instruments, tap on some things, listen to some stuff, and make a few grunts. If it happens that my radiator hose is venting steam, they’ll probably target the issue and send in a referral for a specialist to address the matter in several weeks. Likewise if my battery is encrusted with corrosion or if one of my tires has a big nail sticking out of it.
If the issue is any more subtle than that, I expect to get “the treatment” which goes something like:
Doctor: Have you been sleeping?
Me: Sure. Pretty well, you know, most of the time.
Doctor: Uh huh. Any pain when you urinate?
Me: No. Not really.
Doctor: How about when I do this?
Me: [uncomfortable grimace] Not really.
Doctor: I think you’re dehydrated, but we won’t know for sure until we get a urine test and some sort of expensive scan. Let’s see, how about we start with a CT scan. Yeah, then I can still charge you for an MRI later when you’re bitching about the pain.
Me: Did you mean to say that last part out loud?
Doctor: [busy typing notes on his tablet as if the last interaction hadn’t occurred] Okay, well the nurse will be in soon with that urine test. Expect to hear from imaging in a week or so to set up your CT. When you don’t hear from them, you’ll just have to call them yourself. You know, they’re pretty busy.
Me: Can’t I just go home and drink more water if I’m dehydrated?
Doctor: Sure, if you want to take that risk.
Me: What risk? It’s water.
Doctor: Well, what if your…thingy goes into failure…or hypertension drive, or something even worse?
Me: You mean my kidney?
Doctor: You mean your kidneys. You have two of them. That’s why I’m the doctor.
Me: Okay. But I’m pretty sure hypertension drive isn’t a real thing.
Doctor: You’ll think it’s a real thing when you’re curled up in a fetal position on the bathroom floor. Do you want that? You don’t want that, do you?
Me: No.
Doctor: Well okay then [shakes head and chuckles to himself while exiting the room]. Drink water. People should really leave the Googling up to the professionals.
As I drive home, I repeat to myself that I’ll never go to the doctor again unless I have a pipe sticking out of my head, or I’m going in for more Oxy (kidding, I’m kidding). After I arrive home, I do a Google search for a supplement of some kind to provide kidney support, and I chug a big glass of water. A week later the urine test comes back inconclusive saying the sample was contaminated, and of course I never hear from scheduling in regards to the CT scan. A few weeks later, after upping my daily water intake and taking my bovine kidney support pills (and drinking a little less booze), I’m feeling considerably better.
Hmmm, now that I think of it, maybe the doctor really did know what he was doing. He succeeded in changing my behavior for the better…simply by threatening me with the potential for kidney hypertension drive, which I’m still pretty sure isn’t a real thing. On the other hand, I suppose I’m the one who changed my behavior for the better while pretty much disregarding everything the doctor said. At least he was pounding his hammer on the right part of the engine.
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