DMB Digest: Dad Jokes, the Solution to Everything
Did you hear about the farmer? He was a man out standing in his field.
The following is bullplop. Magnificent, splendiferous bullplop. In point of fact, it is so wonderfully ridiculous, that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it must be absolutely true…and vouched for by leading sciencticians everywhere.
According to a reliable news source, a totally legitimate study says that “Dad jokes” may help children’s development. Booyah. I knew it.
I mean, I didn’t know it. But I knew it. Every time I tell my youngest son that whatever he is looking for can be found up his butt, I’m helping him develop into a well rounded and grounded young man.
by teasingly striking at their children’s egos and emotions without teetering over into bullying, fathers build their children’s resilience and train them to withstand minor attacks and bouts of negative emotion without getting worked up or acting out, teaching them impulse control and emotional regulation (see Gray, 2013).
Finally, modern science is recognizing the genius of obnoxious fathering. How many times did us fathers have to blow raspberries at all those eggheads before they finally put two and two together? And all the moonings? and tauntings? (“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”)
I’ve been putting my children through a rigorous “impulse control and emotional regulation” campaign since the day they were old enough to fart in my general direction. The entire time, the wife just rolled her eyes. Who’s rolling their eyes now? Huh? (Okay, fine, she’s still rolling her eyes.) Nonetheless, science is finally recognizing that when my eldest son says, “these eggs are too cheesy,” and I respond, “No, you’re too cheesy!” I’ve done him a developmental solid. And when my youngest son says “These boxes have dirty bottoms,” and I respond, “Just like you!” I’ve done my part in helping him develop into a well-rounded citizen.
In light of this, it is worth considering dad jokes as a pedagogical tool that may serve a beneficial function for the very children who roll their eyes at them. By continually telling their children jokes that are so bad that they’re embarrassing, fathers may push their children’s limits for how much embarrassment they can handle. They show their children that embarrassment isn’t fatal.
Damn straight, embarrassment isn’t fatal. Let’s face it, if embarrassment was fatal, I’d be considered a cringocidal maniac. I’d be on America’s most awkward. My hip-shaking touchdown dance would be banned in more Idaho schools than books by Ibram X. Kendi (and rightfully so).
When I say to you, “What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know,” it’s appropropriate for you to smirk and nod your head. That means you’ve already been tempered by the brutality of our modern society. But for today’s youth, for all those kids who roll their eyes and flush at the cringe-worthiness of such a dumb play on words, it’s the job of us dads to stand in the gap, to continue whetting the steel of tomorrow’s champions. If we don’t do it, who will? Andrew Tate? Joe Rogan? (Let them apples sink in for a minute.)
Let’s face it, this study essentially says Dad jokes are the only thing standing between us and oblivion. Dad jokes are our only hope. In the face of Global Warming? Dad jokes. Surviving the culture wars? Dad jokes. Unchecked communist aggression? Combating misinformation? Bet your bottom, the answer is Dad jokes. Leading sciencticians finally agree, and it’s about damn time.
Oh, one last thing. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
But why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
[wait for it…]
Duh, because it was stapled to the monkey.
You’re welcome.
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