DMB Digest: Devising My Personal Stride

Saunter, Swagger, Sidle, or Strut?

Swagger. Some have it. Some can’t imagine the point.

I’m one of the latter. I’ve spent some time pondering what sort of walk I should have other than my natural gate (which involves a slight limp due to plantar fasciitis). A little shoulder swing? Maybe a lopsided gate. Hmmm, or perhaps a little arm wave (like I’m swimming in air just a little with every step). A little more bounce? The ole’ limp-left-arm could be cool. If I sagged my pants more, I’d have to add the “keep my pants from falling down waddle,” or the “use one arm for suspenders” walk.

My pants naturally sag a bit because I’m anti-belt and I have to wear my pants for at least four days in a row before washing them. (Freshly washed pants are the worst.) But if I went one size up, I’d really have to focus on keeping the britches from deep-sixing in mid-stride.

Should I adopt something akin to a strut? Proud, confident, assertive. Or perhaps more of a sidle? less obtrusive and more sneaky. Oh, but then there is the saunter. I’ve always been a fan of the chill “I’m so important I’ve got nowhere in particular to be” walk. Or perhaps I should go with my own personal bebop stride. You know, like I’m vibing to my own personal anthem everywhere I go. This would take the most intentional effort, but the rewards could also be the most extreme. How could I possibly be distracted by anything other than myself if I chose a walk that is so involved that it requires constant self-obsession?

Man, so many things to consider when it comes to sending an artificial, constant signal to everyone I come across in public. What if I put off too much machismo? or not enough? How can I be sure of the degree of geek or that I meet the “I’m comfortable with my masculinity” quota? And how do I communicate that I’m walking for exercise and out of social conscious rather than due to losing my license from drunk driving?

To complicate matters, I like to talk to myself while walking. How do I amble just the right amount to ensure I’m not perceived as a raving derelict or an escaped psych ward patient? Wow, this is starting to get really exhausting, and I haven’t even started my new walk yet. Typically, at this point in my mental wanderings, I remember why I’ve never bothered with swagger. I’m entirely too lazy. Even if I wasn’t, it’s a moot point whether a special walk would do anything to counter balance my host of prominent oddities.

Maybe the younger version of me could have pulled off the ole’ limp-left-arm. Meh. I guess I’ll always have the plantar fasciitis shuffle, and I suppose that communicates plenty.

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