DMB Digest: Excuses, the stupider the better.
Seriously, I choked on a Lego sandwich.
Everything is everyone else’s fault.
There were locusts. I had four flat tires. The Devil made me do it. I blame society.
Where would we be without these wonderful deflections? I don’t know, and personally I don’t want to know. As a matter of fact, I think we need to push further into this type of disassociation rather than shy away from it. If the excuse isn’t completely nonsensical, you haven’t pushed it far enough.
Random acquaintance: “Ug, can you believe these gas prices?”
You: “I know! And Kazakhstan's President Kassym-Jomart Tokayev is still cracking down on protesters, like it’s our fault!”
Or if outdated-random-geopolitical trivia isn’t your cup of tea, maybe try something more like this:
Random acquaintance: “Ug, can you believe the price of eggs?”
You: “Hush. Keep your voice down. Chickens are everywhere these days. Damn avians.”
Or as a classic fallback, you can simply defer to aliens.
Random acquaintance: “This burger seems a little undercooked.”
You: “Sorry, but after getting probed by aliens I’ve struggled with episodes of lost time.”
Now we’re talking. These are truly ludicrous excuses that succeed in justifying nothing while still managing to deflect the conversation without escalating things into charged political rhetoric or offensive misinformation. With more like the aforementioned irresponsible rationalizations our entire society could begin to heal rather than continuously picking at the rhetorical scabs our overseers utilize to keep us weak, confused, and divided.
There is no reason to blame Sleepy Joe or Donald McDuck. Or even the great satan. As ridiculous as these excuses are, many might still think you are attempting to be serious with such deflections. Thus, for the sake of total clarity, I recommend dialing the blame up to such nemeses as Gandhi, Peter Pan, and Nickelodeon. I mean, it’s pretty clear that Nick at Night is to blame for the moral decay of the Western World. Am I right? Or am I right?
When in doubt go big. And then go bigger. In the immortalized words of Jake Blues, “Honest! I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locusts! It wasn't my fault! I swear to God!”
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