This time around, I have a serious question. At least it’s mostly serious. If you’ve stuck around for a while, you know I’ve not got the same sort of sexy affinity for automobiles that many individuals do. In my humble opinion (IMHO for all you youngsters out there), the things that make a car sexy are fuel efficiency, longevity, cost of maintenance, and a distant forth place would be a thumping sound system. (What? I like a quality listening experience.)
Based on these preferences, you might see why some of today’s automobile trends come across as unfathomable to me. So I need your help in understanding the appeal specifically for a few trends that have been baffling me for a while now. They all revolve around extra spending to reduce automobile functionality. I know. It sounds ridiculous even as I type it. Who would spend thousands of dollars to spoil the intended use of a complex machine? The answer is clearly lots of people would…and they do so on a regular basis. My question is why.
Trend number one: the lowrider. A few days ago, on my walk home, I was temporarily jolted from my reverie by a loud scraping sound in the street behind me. When I turned, I witnessed what had to have been a work in progress as a Nissan truck struggled to push itself along my neighborhood street with considerable scraping, screeching, and sparks. On a skating rink, I believe the vehicle would have successfully managed a brilliantly calculated two centimeters of clearance. On an actual blacktop road, not so much.
Trend number two: the highrider. This one is pretty popular around these parts. I see at least one example every time I’m out. My favorites are the ones that require some sort of kaleidoscoping stairs for the passengers to successfully mount the vehicle. Typically these conversions start with a truck that costs no less than $40,000 and then escalate to well over $60,000 until the owner is left with a roll-over deathtrap with tires that probably cost $1000 each to replace. Not to mention the reduced fuel efficiency! Why, for the love of all things holy?
Trend number three: the noisemaker. Full disclosure, this one is my least favorite. Different vehicles arrive at this one via different measures, but it seems the general idea is to make an otherwise perfectly functioning vehicle as loud and annoying as possible. I mean, I totally understand the occasional automotive malfunction that leads to the bypassing of the catalytic converter or perhaps to a dangling and busted muffler. I’m not talking about the accidentally loud vehicle. I’m talking about the ones who have spent hundreds or even thousands of dollars to sound busted. I can only imagine the reduction in performance and fuel efficiency one must sacrifice for such a grumpy sounding vehicle. It’s as if the driver is attempting to communicate with everyone in the neighborhood as they scurry past, “Stop what you are doing! Look out your windows! I’m wasting my hard-earned money in a spectacular manner!”
I kid, I kid. I’m sure that’s not what the driver is trying to communicate. The problem is I can’t fathom what the driver could possibly be trying to communicate other than, “Look at me! Wake up! Stop napping! My car is louder than yours!”
As you can see, I’m lost here. So if you are one of the lovely individuals who has modified your vehicle to fit one of these ridiculous categories, please enlighten me as to why. I’m simply trying to better understand my fellow humans and neighbors (even the looney-tunes ones). Peace.
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