In Idaho we’ve endured our first 99 degree day. (I’m sure all the banks were showing 100+.) You know what that means. The watermelon days of summer have begun. Around these parts, finding a delicious, ripe melon before July 4th can be…trying. I have a hard time growing melons in Idaho that ripen before Labor Day. I suppose I got spoiled in Texas.
But farming melons and grocery-storing melons are entirely different things. Picking a ripe melon on the vine requires a different skillset that most of you probably aren’t concerned with. As for the rest of us, there ain’t nothing worse (except for all the much worse things) than gathering around the young-uns after returning from the grocery store only to discover that your save-the-afternoon-from-total-destruction-watermelon is a bitter disaster unworthy of a seed-spitting contest (because it doesn’t even have seeds!).
All there is to do at this point is hang your head in shame and inform your family that you’ll be soaking in the tub for the remainder of the day. If they want any ice for their drinks, too bad. It’s about to be icing your injured self-esteem in a cold bath of guilt. But this doesn’t have to be your fate. Selecting a sweet, sweet melon dripping with summer love-nectar is within your grasp.
How to find a ripe melon at your local grocery? First off, it’s more about feel than sound. But they go together. You have to feel the sound of ripeness in your bosom or your loins. Hey, don’t roll your eyes at me. I don’t make the rules, I’m just relaying them to you. You want a ripe melon or not?
The best way to learn the feel is to play those melons like bongos. You play ‘em as if the bongos were going out of style. No thumping. You gotta slap those melons. Just like any instrument, the pitch will change due to size and shape of the melons you are playing for ripeness. So don’t get too caught up on the pitch or timbre. Early in the melon season you don’t have to be overly concerned about overripe melons. This makes the process much simpler. You bongo all the melons you can reach until you find the one that feels like if you slapped it a bit harder it would split open under your palm.
You DON’T want a tight, high-strung melon. You want a loose, floppy melon so bursting with deliciousness that letting it roll around in the trunk on the way home is gonna equal one messy trunk. If you whack a ripe melon with your melon knife (after you get home of course. Stores frown on you wielding large knives these days) it should split open and part like the red sea. You’re looking for the differences between slapping a yoga ball and slapping a fatty, water balloon. You want the fatty, water balloon vibe from your melon. No exercise permitted. Your melon should look like it’s been doing nothing but sitting around and getting fat just for you. It should have a yellow, faded section of rind for sure.
That’s it. The last thing I’ll say is that if you strike out the first time you buy a melon this way, do a U-turn and head right back to that store. Don’t let those lazy melon growers win...by refusing to buy another melon from them…hmmm. I suppose they’re gonna win either way. But once you feel the sound of ripeness and confirm it that first time, you’ll quickly become a pro. Next thing you know, your friends will be asking you to bring the watermelon to the cookout because they know you’ll always bring the perfect melon.
At the Desk This Week
I took the family camping. So…the desk had to stay at home. I was able to get in some mental brainstorming and dreaming. That mental prep will pay off once I’m able to get back to writing. I’ll double down this coming week to see what I can squeeze into the gaps while also wrangling the kids. Life keeps on happening, as you all know it does. The wife will be heading out of town for a week, so I’ll assume her duties (and by “assume” I mean let them mostly fall through the cracks) while attempting to stick to my own schedule. As long as my feral kids don’t catch the eye of law enforcement or social services, we should be all good.
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