We’re gonna have a little intervention for what turns out to be a surprising percentage of Americans. I’m not sure if we simply have too much time to kill, or we’ve slowly become illiterate, or we have some untapped rage due to our lack of gladiatorial sport outlets… wait, nix that last one.
I am, of course, referring to the problem of headline blurping. Don’t look at me like that. You know what I’m talking about. Those of you who are guilty of blurping all over the comment sections of your favorite online media outlets (ie. Reddit, Facebook, or [insert biased infotainment website here]) know exactly what I’m talking about. For the rest of you, (I realize most of us are far above blurping and much prefer larping…or plain old napping) allow me to explain the insidious practice to which I am referring.
Headline blurping refers to the practice of commenting on articles based solely on the interpretation of the headline. In other words, blurpers are far too busy to be bothered with reading when they can instead spend their precious time expressing their uninformed opinions about the insanity of all the things going on that they refuse to read about. After all, reading might open them up to being brainwashed. Or even worse, they might find themselves learning! Balderdash! Bunkum! Pshaw!
To be fair, at least part of the blame lies with the poor, wistful folk who pass themselves off as online journalist these days. What choice do they really have? Title an article accurately and responsibly while living off of government cheese and sleeping in their van down by the river? Or choose the provocative yet misleading clickbait headlines that land them box wine money. We’re talking Bota or Barefoot money. Who can blame them? Their predecessors are trying to keep warm on chilly New York nights by wrapping themselves in the pages of their former newspapers.
But seriously, how far have we stooped when we are more willing to spend time commenting on an article than reading it? Are we that desperate to feel herd heard? Okay, I see those incredulous looks. Some of you are thinking I’ve gone giblets over riblets. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. But I’m not making this up. I’ll provide an example from just the other day.
I stumbled into (was sent) a link to a story about Ford’s recent emphasis on electric vehicles (EVs). Seeing how the wife and I recently purchased a Ford plug-in hybrid, the article was relevant. Clicking the link lands me on the website for [insert biased infotainment/media outlet name here]. Now that I think of it, the website itself is also to blame for the reading behavior of their users. The first thing I see is the extended headline and then the comment section. I have to make yet another click to even get to the article? (Two clicks!? Who are they kidding?) Like a sucker, I start in on the comments. I know, I know. I still can’t be in a room with the TV on and be expected to look at anything other than the TV screen. (Dance monkey, dance!)
After wasting a few minutes of my life on the comments, I finally click to the story itself. It’s a short piece, informative, pretty well written. The main bullet points are that Ford is cutting back jobs on their main line of vehicles based out of Detroit to expand their EV facility in Kentucky in order to meet all the consumer demand for their EVs. The kicker is that they are having to outsource most of their batteries from China in order to keep up with demand. The headline? Ford makes a deal with China, cuts American jobs. Hmmm. You can probably see the very small opening for confusion here. When combined with the American addiction to blurping, you can also probably guess at some of the comments.
Let’s not get bogged down in all the finer nuances of who blurped what and which blurp topped which. I’ll just summarize the blurping thusly: Damn you, Biden!!! I knew China, Ford, and the Devil would conspire to destroy us all! USA! USA!”
Obviously, I had no choice but to spend the rest of my day replying to each of the commenters. I’m sure they’re totally grateful for me pointing out their irrational behavior and thus will never blurp again.
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