DMB Digest: It's not OK to talk wrong.

You can embiggen your speech, but don't conflate it.

Some say “potato,” and some say “potato” doesn’t really come across via the written word, but I think you still gather my point. We’ve discussed regional dialects in these emails before. Some of you fancy-pants out there use a “garage” while the rest of us are stuck with “car holes.” Then there are those expressions that I swear I didn’t fabricate, and yet to this day I can’t find anyone to back me up. Please, if any of you were taught to call colored pencils “map pencils” send me word and save my sanity. (The wife thinks I’ve lost it already.)

Heck, in my family we even have a handful of words that we absolutely accept started with us. Several years ago, I was trying to find the official spelling of “pasquachie” so I could use it in a book I was writing. Eventually, I did what every stumped forty-year-old writer does, and I texted my mother. She laughed and informed me my father had made that word up as a euphemism for “bird shit.” Kudos to the old man. I mean, the word is such a perfect fit with the fabricated definition, I never even doubted its age-old origins. He wins this round of Balderdash.

But then there are some expressions that people just plain get wrong. I’m not talking about how you might “chuck” something while I prefer to “chunk” it. I’m certainly not talking about how you might drink your pop while I talk about football with mine. I’m talking about expressions that through ignorance lose their way. In particular, I’ve become aware of how few people seem to remember the true utterance of the expression, “to shore up.”

This one is widely abused in sports podcasts, and so it’s possible I’m more acutely attuned to hearing this bastardization than most. On a weekly basis, I’ve been hearing some sports pundit refer to the expression as, “to sure up.” Okay, it’s not like they’ve been spouting mama jokes or insulting my alma mater. But still, if we confuse our idioms even further by forgetting how to properly say them, what hope do ESL students have! It’s bad enough that having a bun in the oven can mean being pregnant. The last thing we need is to start declaring, “oh baby, your buns are like ovens.” You can see how quickly this could confound foreigners…or neighbors…or anyone.

So, just to clarify, the expression is “to shore up.” It is in reference to the definition of shore that means to “buttress” or to “brace.” So if you own an NFL football team, and you need to reinforce your offensive line, the correct expression is to “shore up your offensive line,” not to “sure up your offensive line.” To “sure up” your offensive line would mean enrolling them all in the self-help seminar “Get Confident, Stupid” as narrated by Troy McClure. And while I do think instilling confidence in young athletes is an important cause, it’s probably not what you’re talking about when arguing that your favorite team needs depth at a key position.

In summary, it’s okay to come from strange and backward regions of the US where they say things wrong (like anywhere outside of Texas). It’s okay to fabricate your own pet words and to use them jibly. But it’s not okay to unwittingly confuse established idioms by getting them wrong. It’s not better to have one hand than two bushes. Don’t throw out the horse with the bath, or put your finger in a gift baby’s mouth. And for the love of dogs, it’s not better to hate than never.

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