Some of you didn’t like my previous medical advocate idea: Adult White Male. I thought it was pretty straightforward. Supply nearby, available, middle-aged, white men for the purpose of attending medical appointments with female patients in order to establish rapport with medical professionals and gain more positive treatment options (due to the fact that males are less prone to bouts of hysteria and wandering uterus). I received some objections based on the grounds that Adult White Male sounded too much like some sort of kinky escort service.
Never let it be said that I don’t heed criticism. After returning to the drawing board and putting my head together with a friend who has suffered lifelong chronic illness (an illness that has more recently become debilitating and then was promptly dismissed as hysteria by most medical professionals), we came up with an even better idea to advocate for appropriate medical care: the Medical Advocate Monkey.
Those of you who remember the Super Bowl commercial for the Trunk Monkey should have a pretty good framework for understanding the role of the MAM right off the bat. You remember the ad were the guy is getting tailgated and harassed by an irate driver until he presses the “trunk monkey” button on the dash, right? The trunk opens and this chimp with a tire iron jumps out. What follows is a general reckoning where the trunk monkey evens the score and puts the irate jerk in his place. And thus road rage is solved.
I propose the same general concept for medical appointments. The system could run through Medicaid and be maintained in conjunction with the American Zoological association and the VA. Complex patients who qualified would be scheduled with the Medical Advocate Monkey trainers (many of which would be former veterans) where the complex patient would receive their MAM and all the necessary training to care for the MAM.
From then on, the MAM would be required to attend all medical appointments and procedures with the complex patient. The MAMs would be specially trained to trigger on any and all gaslighting from medical professionals based on simple physiological cues. When the MAM detects negligent medical behavior and/or a phony diagnosis, appropriate responses could range anywhere from screeching, to jumping around the doctor’s office, to hair pulling, or even flinging poo.
As you can imagine, the MAMs would quickly become feared throughout the medical field. After a short time, few doctors would even dare gaslight a patient with a MAM. The words, “I don’t know” would suddenly enter every doctor’s vocabulary. Instead of dismissing patients or ordering repetitive “billable procedures” doctors would do anything in their power to construct a helpful treatment plan and thus avoid the wrath of the advocate monkey.
And don’t think insurance companies would be immune to the MAMs judgement. Health insurance executives would be assigned personal MAMs as well. These monkeys would be trained to trigger on any slimy behavior or excessive tenting of the fingers. Insurance companies would be forced to reform their policies or continuously face disruptions from advocate monkeys running amok in their executive suits, conference rooms, and hallways.
Problem solved in a matter of months. Yep, I just saved the medical industry. You’re welcome.
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