Never, ever superlative me…unless you wanna throwdown.
I mean, I can superlative with the best of them. The very best. I grew strong suckling at the teat of exaggeration. I cut my teeth on storytelling. As an adult, I’ve made lying my profession. Trust me, I can superlative.
But when it comes to arguing about real life issues with people I genuinely care for (which is quite different from debating nonsense issues with jerks), I simply cannot stand for deceptive superlatives. You know the kind I’m talking about. Most of us devolve to using these superlatives when we fear our argument might be a bit pudgy around the edges. We want to enhance our point of view, highlight our righteous stance, elevate our position over our opponent’s, so we slip in a tiny, little superlative. No one will notice, right? Not during the heat of the argument. And the effect will shine light on our righteousness. So we give into the temptation.
And it comes out something like this: “You never do the dishes!” or “You never empty the trap in the bottom of the sink after you do the dishes!” or “You never take out the stinky garbage after you empty the trap after doing the dishes! Why are you always such a selfish monster!”
Nothing gets me more riled up in an argument than one of these little deceptive superlatives. “You always do this!” “You never do that!”
Oh really? Never? Always? I find that extremely difficult to believe. Shall we look at exhibit A? How about last Tuesday? Remember your birthday last year? I did the dishes then, and I emptied the trap, and took out the garbage. Remember that? I know you do.
If we’re trying to think of things I’ve never done, let’s at least be honest about it. I’ve never burned down our house. I’ve never ever ever taken up the cause of a hobo after he or she spent the night sleeping on our couch. I’ve never bet our livelihood on a game of ring toss with carnies. (I’ve been tempted, sure.)
I’ve never missed one of the kids’ birthdays due to hunting great white stags. I’ve never wrecked the family vehicle by entering it into a crash-up derby. There are a ton of things I’ve never done. We can do this all day, but I won’t tolerate someone telling me I’ve never done something I know good and well I’ve done at least three times. If I had only down that thing once, fine. That single time can be dismissed as an exception. Frankly, with the degree of storytelling I engage in on a regular basis, it’s quite possible for me to fabricate a single occurrence and remember it as really happening. But three times? That’s for real. That’s basically a habit. A regular pattern. No way I’m making up all three events from the depths of my profoundly rich and lustrous imagination. Nope.
So if you want to argue with me, I’m game. But there are rules of engagement. Rule number one. No superlatives…unless you can back them up with firm documentation. But that will never happen.
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