There is more than one way to categorize a man. I’m the kind of man who wears only two identical pairs of the same pants.
Two decades ago, I set out to discover what I called at the time, “the one true pants.” This became an arduous quest that included the designing, creating and recreating of a custom pair of hemp pants by a designer known simply as “Cashmere” from deep within the heart of the fashion district in Salt Lake City.
I sourced my hemp from the finest craftspeople of Romania. I researched the matter thoroughly. Out of the fire came a pair of pants worthy of the gods. To test the mettle of said pants, to see if they truly qualified as “the one true pants,” I vowed to not remove them from my body for the span of a year and a day. I would wear nothing but these holiest of pants (except for a few hours on Sunday afternoons when they were being laundered. During that time, I wore the reindeer pjs the Wife made for me.)
To chronicle the experiment I kept a blog (no longer available) at www.onetruepants.com where I journaled on the gradual decay of my noble dream. Alas, eleven months into the experiment the Wife rightly pulled the plug. The lauded “one true pants” where verging on indecent exposure. The hemp weave I had chosen from Romania had not been tight enough. The pants were vulnerable to unraveling wherever they suffered initial damage.
My fire wavered. The entire cause came under question. Could the fashion industry be redeemed? Could the least sustainable industry of all the industries be reformed by a single pair of chosen pants? Were there more men in the world like me? Who would choose to wear a single pair of immortal pants, even if such a thing could be pulled from the fashion forge of the gods? Or is humankind destined to drag the earth down with it until unto dust (or nakedness) we return?
Then my mother sent me a pair of Firehose pants for Christmas. I relented on my quest. Clearly Duluth Trading Company had beaten me to the fountain of eternal fabric, and from that fountain crafted a worthy pair of pants. The material was not as sustainable as hemp (curse you, Dupont!), but I could not argue with the results. Made from the same cotton canvas weave as firehose (back in the day), the original fire hose pants were and remain pretty dang mighty.
If you too long for a less complicated and more sustainable life, I recommend removing the morning confusion as to which pair of pants to pick up off of the bathroom floor for shielding your nether region from the harsh outside world. My decades of questing have led me to trust Duluth fire hose pants to shield mine. (I recommend original fire hose or fire hose HD.) Wear them a week (or two) between washes and then switch over to the other identical pair. No one will know. Until we establish the Garden across all the earth, and can go back to our original nakedness without shame (spoiler: there won’t be any pants in heaven), I’ll stick with fire hose.
Are they God’s “one true pants?” Nah. But they’re close enough.
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