I hate small talk. I’m probably the only one, but if I’m being honest, I’m not all that interested in your cats. The weather is a waste of breath (unless it contains the phrase ‘global warming’). And the last thing I want to do is swap stories about surely teens and emotional preteens…unless I’m drinking booze and playing cornhole, at which time I’m open to a broader range of meaningless conversation.
At the bare minimum, if you want to engage me, come with a hot sports take. “This is the year Baker Mayfield and the Browns are finally gonna win it all!” or… “Venus Williams is better than Serena!” But be forewarned, even then I might shift the conversation to the NFL’s stance on drug testing or domestic violence.
I can’t help it. I’m fascinated by ideas and why we think about them the way we do. My favorite icebreakers are stuff like: immigration, restitution, and sex education (is it a penis or a woohoo?) Why should we legalize gay marriage and not polygamy? Should we bother with electric cars before we change from coal power plants? Let’s talk about Afganistan or Myanmar (which you might still call Burma, and if so, why?). How about our drone policy? Your favorite conspiracy theory? Your proposal on how we fix health care…or the tax code?
I advocate for a shift in cultural conversations. Let’s make big talk the new small talk. First, we’re gonna have to stop taking disagreements personally. Since when have we become so fragile? Who decided I can only hang out with people who agree with me? How boring is that? And why can’t a conversation end with, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard…hey, you mind getting my another beer on your way back?”
At this point, I can hear the disapproving voice of society suggesting I take another sip of my wine before telling the cute story about the time my neighbor’s cat played cuddle-tag with the other neighbor’s giant, white rabbit in my backyard. Or perhaps I can regale my guests with the Wife’s most recent battle of slugs vs. strawberries.
But instead of playing by society’s big book of boring rules (otherwise known as the BBBR), I suggest we create a “Big Talk Desensitization” offensive consisting of “turd-in-the-punch-bowl” style conversation starters.
So the next time you’re sitting around the table with friends and there is a lull in the conversation, ask something like, “If the end of the world were to come next week, what would you do between now and then?” A bit too meta for you? Try leaping out from the kitchen and screaming “systemic racism!!!” before excusing yourself to the restroom.
Create odds and take bets on which global catastrophe we experience next. Play “bad lip reading” by replaying presidential speeches with the sound turned down. Create Donald Trump and Joe Biden Mii fighters in Super Smash Bros and stage the ultimate, digital cage fight. (Nothing is more hilarious than watching The Donald and Diamond Joe do cartwheels and shoot lightning at each other. I propose this is how we settle all elections henceforth.)
I mean, these are all gold. I’m sure your guests will thank me afterwards.
Or, if you find yourself very much alone, you can always start sending out weekly emails.
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At the Desk This Week
I’m still tidying up the third season of The Green Ones. I’m pushing through an episode a week and just finished up the third episode (out of six). So, you can probably do that much math. Come on, it’ll be good for you. I’m just about to hit the part of the story where I took a big break and came back after months of not working on it. So…I expect there to be a few more hiccups. We shall see!
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read these scenes of Boundaries, Season 2 of The Green Ones. I’ll be publishing FREE daily scenes from The Green Ones until…I die…or something terrible happens. Seriously, I’ve got over 100 scenes written so far, and I’ll be writing more until the story reaches its natural ending. You are totally welcome to read the entire story for FREE! If at any point you decide you would rather finish the story in ebook or print format, just click the buttons below and you can do that as well. If you enjoy reading the serial releases, BUT you would also like to support me as a writer (my kids need wine!) please subscribe to my premium content for bonus scenes, exclusives, and insider access to my process. And of course, I’d be grateful if you would share this post with any of your reader friends who you think would enjoy The Green Ones. Happy reading!