DMB Digest: Take heed! An Evil Rises!
Don't let their backyard stunts distract you from their insidious scheming.
I’m convinced there is a critter that has duped the vast majority of humanity into accepting it as a cuddly friend despite its almost certainly sinister nature and its continuous plotting for our destruction. I am of course referring to the American Red Squirrel.
Over the past several decades this conniving rodent has mobilized legions and deployed them into North America’s largest urban environments. All the while, it has discombobulated humanity and kept us off our guard by performing cute backyard antics which have turned into viral social media posts. Thus these diabolical, diurnal mammals have demonstrated the cunning ability to use our own technologies and tendencies against us.
And yet, no one seems to notice? I’ve noticed. Even if I stand alone, I stand vigilant in my urban Idaho neighborhood. (Urban Idaho? Well, let’s say urbanesque). It’s time more of us take a watchful stance against the rising tide of these menacing little monsters. Have you ever seen a more plotting gaze of evil? As they perch on fences, power lines and tree branches, effortlessly seizing the high ground while sizing up our vulnerabilities.
Robbing us of our seed banks and caching them in secret. Planting unwanted pine trees in flower boxes. Harassing song birds. Taunting stray cats. And the devouring of neglected jack-o-lanterns. If it were not for the sentinel presence of my neighborhood Red-tailed Hawk pair, I’m certain my block would have been overrun months ago. Every time I leave my house, I sense their beady eyes searing into the back of my skull. I fear next it will be their sharp little incisors nibbling my neck instead of my neighbor’s pumpkins. And yet, when I lay bleeding out on my front walk, would the local police recognize the culprit as the devious American Red Squirrel? I doubt it. The authorities would almost certainly blame a local gang or some hopped up pothead desperate for his next fix.
Don’t you believe them. Between you and me…well, I’ll be dead, so…I guess you alone will know the truth. My violent murder was not at the hand of some gangbanger. It was the maledictive squirrel. Take note! Stand strong! Let my death be a message to all humanity! Do not succumb to their cutesy-poo yet vile antics. Stand watch against the rising tide of the American Red Squirrel. (Now what is that incessant chittering coming from the living room? I’ll just have a look…)
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