I’m freaking out, here. I don’t know if any of you have looked outside lately, but something weird is going on. Just a few nights ago, people kept knocking on my door dressed in all sorts of bizarre costumes. The first of them was a little boy! Or at least I assume the kid was a human male. He was dressed as some sort of land shark, and the moment I opened the door he actually tried to bust his way inside. I thought he was going to devour one of my legs from the knee down at the very least. Luckily, an adult figure dressed as a cat clutched the land shark by his tail fin at the very last moment.
Out of a self-preserving instinct I clutched at a bowl of candy the wife had left beside the door and threw a box of nerds at the little beast. That seemed to satisfy the evil spawn long enough for me to slam the door shut. That was not the last encounter of the evening. Not by a long shot. Within the first hour, I had dealt with a kid being abducted by an alien, a Minecraft creeper, all sorts of fuzzies, and a little girl disguised as a Mexican snack cart full of chicharron and other salty delights. The worst part is that she was a Raiders fan! I know!
After barricading the door with the couch and arming myself with all of my sons’ Nerf guns, the wife informed me the cunning disguises were simply a part of a clever holiday created to rob us of candy. She called it Halloween. I didn’t know about that. Having grown up in conservative, rural Texas, I figured I knew about all the candy seizing holidays (Easter being chief among them). I googled it from my hidey-hole under the coach, and sure enough. Halloween is a real thing!
But then, the next day, scary season didn’t end like the wife said it would. When I fetched the mail, I found it full of apocalyptic threats. We are at war! According to honest looking politicians I have no reason not to trust, all of us are besieged by onerous monsters out to devour our freedoms! I know!
I mean, I live in Idaho. We aren’t even a “battle ground” state. I had no idea the frontlines had reached this far. But there it was in mailer after mailer. Crime waves, a war on energy, America-hating theories, and child-indoctrination with the intent of “obliterating our heritage and abolishing our borders.” Pardon my French, but putain de merde. I had no idea.
Then it struck me. I knew what was going on. It was the same simple mistake I had made days earlier. You see, the proximity of this so-called “Halloween” and our November primaries must have resulted in the understandable freak out among our noble politicians. Once I thought it through, the cause and effect became obvious.
Once a year, coincidentally on October 31st, our politicians have been sticking their heads out of their office doors to assess the emotional and spiritual state of our republic just to see a bunch of loonies running around in costume and mugging innocent types for candy. As you can imagine, this has lead to all sorts of erroneous paranoia which in turn explains the rabid rhetoric of the November mailers.
Problem solved. My dear politicians, there is no need for panic. The maniacs, witches, and monsters are merely your electorate parading in “Halloween” costumes as per custom. Put down the Nerf guns. Tear open a Butterfinger. And let the propaganda machine rest. The monsters are merely people.
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