While driving through various commercial districts, the wife and I have often wondered out loud why the world contains so many mattress stores. Perhaps a similar thought has run through your head. Mattress King, Mattress Giant, Mattress Rx, Mattress Firm, Denver Mattress, American Mattress, Sleep Number, Slumberland, and my personal favorite, Sit ‘n Sleep. There should be a store called “Going to the Mattresses,” that intentionally takes aim at all the other mattress stores. But I suppose that would be too poetic for mattress sales.
After visiting one of these mattress stores last week, I think I finally understand the madness behind the method. First some back story.
Over the last several years the wife has continuously complained of intermingled neck and back pain from inadequate mattress support. During that span, we’ve gone through a few different discount-mattress-in-a-box style mattresses. While the wife doesn’t enjoy neck and back pain, she would rather suffer said pain than spend ridiculous amounts of money on a mattress. For my part, I’ve lucked out I suppose; just about any sort of decent mattress is good enough for me to pass out on so long as I have a good pillow to support my fat head.
Anywho, a couple weeks ago, the wife announced our current mattress inadequate. Unlike the last few similar occurrences, this time she followed up the pronouncement with the ushering in of a new era. We were to patronize the local mattress district in an effort to procure a painless night’s sleep no matter the cost! (Finally the time had come to swap out back pain for pocketbook pain.) Last Friday, to the mattress district we did go, and upon arrival a few things clicked into place.
Even before we enter the door, we are met by the one and only employee. He is hurriedly depositing a large box into the trunk of his last customer—a young couple that seems relieved at the prospect of finally sleeping through the night. I hold the door open for the employee to hurry back inside. He calls out over his shoulder that he will be right with us. I take a moment to glance around. The store is pretty big. There are way too many beds to sample them all. Something about the presence of all those beds makes me yawn and stretch. It’s after dinner, and I had been up until 2am the night before.
There is no one else in the store. The employee strides confidently toward us. It’s as if he already knows the outcome. He has sized us up. We’re in our upper forties. Our youngest son is with us. The salesman is good at what he does. He slides into the matter like a real pro. I do what any proud man—the head of a household—would do in this situation and immediately pass off all mattress shopping responsibility to the wife. I point at her with both hands and declare that she’s the one with neck and back pain. I’m just here to be supportive (heh-heh, pun intended. Wink, wink.)
The wife rolls her eyes perhaps a bit too theatrically and takes over the conversation. I pat my son on the back and breathe deeply. Now all I have to do is stick close and space out. Shopping stress averted. Think again. This guy is too good to let Keri suffer the burden alone. After ten minutes of honest-to-god relatable psychobabble about mattress support and healthy sleep positions this guy has me convinced we don’t even need a new mattress. All we need is a thousand dollar motorized mattress base. Oh yeah, baby. Complete with under the bed LED lighting, programable positions, and built in charger ports for our smart devices that now include the newly downloaded sleep number app that will use sonar to map our sleep patterns and blaze the path forward toward perfect sleep!
Can I get an amen?
As the wife and I embraced our son and strode toward the exit with full confidence that a better future awaited us, the next couple entered with their three-year-old son in tow. The salesman called out from his desk, “I’ll be right with you!”
A week later, I’m still trying to adjust to sleeping full-time on my back. I’m tired. I’m grouchy. If my wife mentions anything about neck and back pain, I’m gonna build a go cart out of this bed base and drive it through the window of the mattress store. Then I might open a mattress store of my own.
At the Desk This Week
Spring Break!!!! The kids are out of school this week. That means mostly nothing. I’ve spent a few days cracking the whip on my oldest son to get him caught up on all the school assignments he’s failed to do on time. And my youngest son is now fully immersed in the hormonal madness of being a preteen, so he mostly wanders around the house whining about everything and nothing all at once. We managed to visit a nearby hot spring location, and the weather was perfect. That was nice.
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