DMB Digest: Top 10 Stupid Things I Survived, #10
Shooting the Bull in the Balls
To celebrate the dog days of summer, I figured it best to take a nostalgic look back at all the dumb things I did as a kid growing up in rural Texas. This list should also serve as peace of mind for all you parents out there who are worried about your kids reaching the ripe old age of eighteen (by highlighting the fact that all of us currently reading this managed to survive our own childhood which was probably downright stoopid when compared to that of our own kids). I actually try to get my boys to do dumb things on a regular basis. When I suggest they cut their fingernails with a kitchen knife or use the neighbor’s cat for archery practice they roll their eyes, shake their heads, and say something like, “That sounds really dumb, Dad.”
To get this list started, I’m making a confession, one that I hope doesn’t get me in trouble. When I was thirteen, I shot a neighbor’s bull in the balls. Not on purpose, mind you. I accidentally shot a bull, in the balls, with a .22 caliber rifle. I see those raised eyebrows. How, you might ask, does a thirteen-year-old accidentally shoot a bull in his balls?
This part of the story probably won’t win me any good citizen awards either, but the intended target was a jack rabbit. I know, I know. What kind of crazed maniac runs around a ranch shooting at cuddly little bunnies? First off, jack rabbits aren’t that cuddly. And for a few years during my early teens, we had a metric crap ton of jack rabbits digging warrens all over the ranch. (I’ll leave the telling of the tale of epic rabbit hunts for another day.) These rabbits were a qualified menace that could result in a cow or a horse stepping in a hole at an inopportune time. (At least, that was the reasoning for my license to kill.)
So, me and a buddy (the son of the bull’s owner) end up tracking a jack rabbit a dizzying distance through waist-high buffalo grass before the rabbit finally comes to a stop some fifty yards distant. We freeze and drop. The only problem is that there is a bull in the way. To put it more specifically, there is a pair of bull’s balls dangling in the line of the shot. But not to fret. I’m a crack aim by the age of thirteen, and I’ve got ice in my veins. (I’ve got allergies in my eyes and throat, but ice in my veins.)
Ever so slowly, I creep just enough to the right. The rabbit looks like he’s about to bolt. We’ve chased this rascal far enough. I’ve got a clear line of site. I take the shot.
No dirt kicks up. The rabbit doesn’t even budge. I must have killed him so quickly, he doesn’t even know he’s dead. On the other hand, the bull bellows and jolts like it’s just been hit with an electric prod—his ball sack a pendulum swaying in the breeze.
“Dude, you just shot my dad’s bull in the balls!”
Like any responsible, young lads with guns, we jump to our feet and run all the way back to the house, having totally forgotten about the rabbit. We solemnly swore not to tell anyone about the stray bullet and fervently hoped the bull wouldn’t drop off in performance because of it. As far as I know, the bull kept to his quota, and I’ve never mentioned the matter…until now.
At the Desk This Week
Writing has occurred! Yay! Despite being saddled with wrangling duties (while the wife is out of town), I managed to get in a few hours of writing on the final episode of the third season of The Green Ones. All is well. My characters are totally oblivious to the fact that I’m about to drop them out of the sky and put them through hell. Mwahahaha. The calm before the electrical storm. It’s so fun to write these calm moments where characters can joke and feel human…when I know all about the inhuman things I’m about to do to them. Mwahahaha! (Okay, maybe chasing little varmints around the ranch did darken my soul just a tad.)
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When I was a child this incredible book reminds me of those horrendous moments when someone like a brother attacked me when I was little his name Aaron Goldsteen and when he attacked me I thought back against his reckless destructive blasphemous behavior fighting like elephants beating each other up and then cutting my finger accidentally just like your story describes cutting my hand with a kitchen knife! I obviously didn't know what was appreciate or considered dangerous at the time so I banned kitchen knives from all the shelves after that moment! then I grounded Aaron himself and locked him inside his bedroom to teaching him a lesson immediately so remember people don't do three terrible things in yo0ur neighborhood. in 2016-2018 A bunch of Irish people from Northern Ireland was offended because I told them something offensive that I had to rteappolgize and then removing my pefromecne immedetyl because it was considered prorpandada to Irish American culture. Aaron my brother taught me how to shoot things with guns but unfortunately l they were banned by the police because they warned me never to use these weapons, especially in dangerous situations someone pulling again toward you remember don't do this at home! Finally, my parents and problems with their relationships 2007 my father attacked women who wanted or warn him to get the hell out of his way but then he viscously attacked her and was forced to apologize so remember don't do these anywhere in the communit n 2011 he attacked Rebbeca because he called him too much on the telephone and yelled at the hotel with her in 2017 he kicked Ema so violently he could've been arrested at my house when my birthday celebration in Mexico started and continued to destroy everything in Naples; Florida by argument violently at Ema and then messing around the house so I decided said ENOUGH! and I saw wolves coming to my car in probably 2007 and they weren't attacking us they were just having fun without kicking themselves. I took care of animals without attacking or kicking them so badly that I became so of a survival guide and supporter to animal rights and protection agencies all around the world. So yeah your book I really appreciate because it demonstrates these horrible crimes and abuses that have been going on in America for generations how do we defend ourselves and how do we defeat' overcoming' and defending our rights as Americans how do we fight back and surviving the horrors without turning or abanndednig our communities I would think fighting the best things to do because of representing justice and saving ourselves from criminals hackings by hackers' burglaries' and violence. Thanks for everything! Sincerely' Avi Goldsteen