DMB Digest: Top 10 Stupid Things I Survived, #1
What we've all been waiting for...redneck tobogganing.
[Follow these links to catch up with the #10 stupid thing, #9 stupid thing, #8 stupid thing, #7 stupid thing, #6 stupid thing, #5 stupid thing, #4 stupid thing, #3 stupid thing, and #2 stupid thing I survived growing up in Texas.] I know there is nothing you’ve anticipated all summer more than this—my largest moment of stupidity (to date). If anything can make us feel better about ourselves, it’s reliving the stupid moments of others, even if we take a perverse joy in knowing that we’ve been stupider. Because of this, I hope these last nine tales have been somewhat cathartic, and that this final missive brings you a bit of giddy happiness.
I’m stretching the formula a bit for this one due to the geographic location of the stupidity being in Montana rather than Texas. But this encounter perfectly encapsulates the final process of my metamorphosis into the world’s only (unashamed) Redneck Granola. It all started during the summer of my seventeenth year.
By August of 1993, I’ve spent the last several weeks roaming the United States like a vagabond in my 1984 blue-sky Volvo 240 DL. I’ve spent the majority of my funds on a small tent, a North Face backpack, and a zero-degree goose-down bag. (Along with Tampico orange punch, white bread, peanut butter, and jelly.) From Ft. Worth to Missoula; Detroit to Portland, I’ve criss-crossed the contiguous forty-eight. I’ve learned that college campuses are a great place to snag free food and a shower (thanks to all the summer camps rife with buffets and fruit baskets). I’ve learned the ways of the freegans before they formally existed as a lower caste. I’ve read the entire Gospel of John while traversing I-94 between Bismarck and Fargo.
To break up the vast stretch of summer between orientation and the beginning of my first semester at the University of Montana, I signed up for the freshman outing—a camping trip and hike to St. Mary’s peak in the Bitterroot Mountains. It was on this camping trip and hike that I cemented my spot into the hall of epic stunts (according to “New Hampshire Jonathon” and “Granola Gregory”, my two vagabond buddies from freshman orientation). What my two wandering amigos didn’t know at the time was that my action was not driven by thrill-seeking. Nope. My rash act was nothing more than the giddy overreaction of a Texas boy bewildered by the presence of snow in July.
As the lot of us soon-to-be freshmen at the U of M marched up the final ascent of St. Mary’s (elevation of 9,300 ft.), we were immersed into the crystalline belly of the clouds. We were surrounded by a glacier. Never in my wildest redneck dreams had I imagined such a thing. Upon reaching the summit, in a fit of ecstasy, I leapt off the mountain.
Yup.
It was explained to me later that careening face-first down an ungroomed, icy slope in July is the epitome of idiocy and statistically speaking that should have been the last time anyone saw hide nor hair of me.
At the time, it was quite the rush. The hike up had taken over an hour (from our base camp). The trip down took less than fifteen minutes, and fourteen of those minutes were spent bushwhacking back to the campsite. In the end, the few scrapes and bruises were well worth the fond memory of my cattle call (ie. rebel yell) echoing back to me as I barreled down a mountain…covered with snow…in July.
How I’m still here today, God only knows.
At the Desk This Week
This past week, I streamed the final scene of the fourth season of the Lost DMB Files. With the conclusion of Twitch & Die! I’ll take a bit of a break in posting daily serial fiction on my Lost DMB Files Substack. I’ve started the next season, but that project is currently on the back burner as I try to finish up the third season of The Green Ones. Of course, I’ll continue with my weekly Friday emails. And at some point down the road, I’ll return to creating new Lost DMB Files! If you’ve been sitting around waiting for an excuse to read Twitch & Die! this is it. Enjoy.
If You Wish to Start Reading The Green Ones…
[Click here to start at the beginning.]
Thanks so much for taking the time to read these scenes of Boundaries, Season 2 of The Green Ones. I’ll be publishing FREE daily scenes from The Green Ones until…I die…or something terrible happens. Seriously, I’ve got over 100 scenes written so far, and I’ll be writing more until the story reaches its natural ending. You are totally welcome to read the entire story for FREE! If at any point you decide you would rather finish the story in ebook or print format, just click the buttons below and you can do that as well. If you enjoy reading the serial releases, BUT you would also like to support me as a writer (my kids need wine!) please subscribe to my premium content for bonus scenes, exclusives, and insider access to my process. And of course, I’d be grateful if you would share this post with any of your reader friends who you think would enjoy The Green Ones. Happy reading!