[Follow these links to catch up with the #10 stupid thing, #9 stupid thing, #8 stupid thing, #7 stupid thing, and #6 stupid thing I survived growing up in Texas.] Is anything better than being a teen driver? How about being a redneck teen driver? Better yet, a redneck teen driver in a 1978 K-5 hard-top Chevy Blazer Cheyenne 4x4 outfitted by a before-his-time prepper to be a mountain compound survival vehicle?
Oh, baby. It doesn’t get any stupider than that. What am I saying? Of course it does. Let me count the ways.
First off, we all know that truck tires are expensive. Combine that truth with a tendency for rapid accelerating and a penchant to spend money on anything other than new tires and the result is a Blazer with four extremely bald tires. Now put that Blazer with extremely bald tires in Texas and make me the driver. Yeah, now we’re talking stupid. I spun off the exact same exit ramp (in the exact same spot) of I-20 on two separate occasions. Both times I ended up in the ditch while facing the wrong direction. I spun ninety degrees the first time and a cool two-hundred and seventy degrees the second before perfectly sticking the landing just short of the fence line. No harm, no foul.
If you’ve never driven a vehicle with bald tires during the heat of a Texas summer you may not understand the delicate dance that is sometimes required to stay on the road and out of the ditch. When the oils from the blacktop start to ooze and liquify just a bit only to be topped off with rain from a short thunder-boomer the result is slicker than snot combined with mushed-up tarantulas.
My final slip-n-slide off the road shook me up enough so as to motivate me to save my money for new tires. This one occurred in town. Now, when I say “in town” I mean along the tiny strip of buildings populating both sides of the railroad tracks in my home town of Aledo (population 1,300 at the time). Allow me to paint the picture. The main road through town (heading south) tops the tracks before a short decent that leads into a quick “S” curve and then meanders past the elementary school.
When coming from the other direction (heading north), ascending the subtle grade to the top of the tracks requires just a bit of acceleration out of the “S” curve. Did I forget to mention that on the west side of the road there’s a Gulf gas station with the pumps just a few yards off the road? And that it had recently rained? Hmmm, yeah, the rest just paints itself. It’s possible I might have taken the “S” curve a tad bit fast. Tapping the breaks before stepping on the gas for the small climb was apparently the wrong combination. The back tires slipped out from under me like a dog straining for traction on an ice rink.
Rather than try anything…rather than react at all, I simply white-knuckled the steering wheel and waited for the ride to come to a stop. When the time seemed right for stomping the breaks, I did so. It just so happened that the result was my Blazer perfectly parallel with the gas pumps and now facing Southward. The obvious next move was to get out, gas up, and buy a Dr. Pepper. I couldn’t even look the attendant in the eye. To this day, I’m not sure if anyone else even witnessed the event. I’m sure my parents had no clue it happened, until now. (Hi, mom!)
At the Desk This Week
I came up with another fun twist for the final episode of The Green Ones, Season Three this week. It was a bit of a no brainer when it dawned on me. I guess it is not so much a “twist” as a “complication” that actually makes the plot cleaner. It will be a bit of a fun mind blow for the reader though, I hope. Onward and upward. I’m about halfway through this final episode, so I’m getting closer!
If You Wish to Start Reading The Green Ones…
[Click here to start at the beginning.]
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