I’ve been doing a little research. And by “research” I mean I’ve been rolling something around in my head. What is the equation for figuring the radioactive half-life for infamous monikers? The most obvious example that probably jumps to mind for most of you is Madonna. Just kidding. Of course, it’s Adolph.
I had a friend in college who came from a family with the tradition of naming the eldest son in every generation Adolph. It goes without saying this tradition preceded the birth and run-amokery of Adolph Hitler. What would you do? Let the monstrous life decisions and legacy of a single individual crap all over your family’s long-standing tradition? Or do you find another work around? This particular family decided to continue the tradition, but not without a little extra obfuscation. Adolph become “Ad” or was replaced by completely unrelated nicknames like Biff or Randy. (Those are just examples, I didn’t actually have a friend in college named Biff).
Back to the equation. It’s clearly related to the degree of radioactivity connected to the name. If the moniker is connected with the betrayal of the most famous individual in human history, the half-life might end up being somewhere in the neighborhood of 5,000 years. So, unfortunately for those expectant parents with a penchant for the name “Judas,” it’s probably too hot to handle for another few thousand years.
While it’s still a century too early for recycling “Adolph,” I could imagine a day when all iterations of Nazis are forgotten and the name is cycled back into the pool. Perhaps the name “Genghis” provides a precedent. Surely after eight hundred years, people have forgotten about all the more shadowy acts of Genghis Khan, right? Hmmm. After a quick Google search, it would appear people haven’t forgotten.
Are these names simply off limits forever? Is there no half-life for the radioactivity generated by names such as Pol, Muammar, Mao, Benito, Caligula, Porfirio, and Saddam? What about slightly less radioactive names such as Miley, Alexa, Edward, Zac, Elon, and Dilweed? Is a decade long enough?
My main reason for asking [sigh], once again loops back around to the Dave Matthews Band. DMB used to be my initials. Now when you do a Google search, the Dave Matthews Band fills the entire first page. What’s a guy to do? Sit around and wait for David John Matthews to croak? Sure, technically, he’s almost eight years older than me. So he was around first. But his initials are DJM, not DMB. He didn’t form the band until 1991. Frick, I was already a sophomore in high school. By that time, I was penning poetry for girls I liked and signing them with my initials. DMB. David Mark Brown. I’m not going to let this go, DJM. You can’t claim two sets of initials. You have to stick to one, and I had DMB first.
I don’t know how, but I’m coming for you, David John Matthews. I want my initials back before you soil them forever…if it’s not already too late. [starts humming to myself…] “Goes to visit his mommy, she feeds him well, his concerns he forgets them, and remembers being small playing under the table and dreaming.” [snaps out of it.] Curse you, DMB!
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