If I were to tell you I grew up on a chicken dairy, how many of you would believe me? You know, slaving away day and night with all the many milk chickens…to ensure a high quality chilk product for our faithful customers?
The concept of a milk chicken arose around the dinner table when my youngest son asked why we use different words like pork and beef to describe the meat from pigs and cows when we simply use the word chicken for both the meat and the animal otherwise known to us southern beau-monde as yard bird. The wife suggested the reason was due to the fact we have both meat cows and milk cows. Highly suspicious of this reasoning, I blurted out, “What about all the milk chickens!” After cackling like a rounder, I pursed my lips, stroked my beard, and asked, “I wonder how many people would even question the matter if I told them I lived on a chicken dairy?”
And my latest thought obsession was born: a fictitious chicken dairy blog, complete with photoshopped graphic imagery (I’d stop short of videography for the sake of the milk chickens’ privacy). What a splendiferous waste of time! I can see the rows and rows of chickens hooked up to the milking equipment. I can imagine the protective gloves necessary for the chilk workers responsible for hooking the chickens up to said machines.
I’ve even gone so far as to begin imagining the marketing strategy for chilk. I think it would need to be a high end product, marketed to wealthy urban hipsters and WASPs. The main hurdle would be getting around all the animal rights activists who are already upset about the poor treatment of meat chickens. But if I targeted the confluence of specific keywords such as “extended warranty,” “debt ceiling,” and “alternative diets,” I think it likely to find my sweet-spot consumer.
To that audience I would make my pitch for wholesome, organic, all natural, free-range, non-GMO, hormone-free, gluten-free, dairy alternative with no added sugars: Chilk! (Yay!) Kids love the creamy taste. Parents love the environmentally friendly alternative to those earth-killing, methane farters known as cattle (boo, hiss!). (We all know chickens don’t fart.)
And for those animal lovers out there? Chickens love giving up their milk and eggs. They just aren’t thrilled about giving up their meat. I mean, who would be?
So, isn’t it time for you to throw off the oppression of cow dairy all together? Let cattle stick to the beef business like God intended. Cross on over to the chilk isle where all your creamy beverage dreams can and will come true. Trust me. I’ve talked to the chickens, and they want you to drink their milk. [insert cheery jingle] Chilk, it’s all in the glass.
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