When people discover my shady background as a Texan, I’m often asked one of two questions next: What’s Texas like? or Why are Texans so [fill in the blank]?
In my ongoing Tex-apologetic efforts, I will attempt to translate between Texan and, well, the way everyone else sees the world. Today’s lesson will center around the result of Texans embracing the concept of surviving continuous (perceived) threat.
Whenever someone asks me why Texans are so brash or loud or annoying, my answer always comes back to this: Everything in Texas wants to kill you. Even if this isn’t technically true, Texans are quite fond of the idea. In Idaho, we have ants. In Texas, we have fire ants, and I’ve seen fire ants eat a cow before (a living, breathing cow…or at least it was living until the ants made their way into the cow’s brain goo via the eye holes. Too much information?). In Idaho, we have bees. In Texas, we have killer bees. In Idaho, we have cute little rattlesnakes. In Texas, we have legions of diamondbacks. In Idaho, we have black widows. In Texas, we have country roads entirely slicked with the guts of tarantulas. In Idaho, we have tornadoes. In Texas, we have “the finger of God” on a regular and persistent basis. You get the point. Cactus, mesquite, locust, heat, humidity, and insanity. The gnarly gets gnarlier in Texas.
Texans are firmly ensconced in the idea that everything is bigger and badder in Texas. Okay, if you are from the jungles of Asia or Central America, you’re probably shaking your head and rolling your eyes. But to fully understand why Texans are so annoying, you must recognize the second, and critical, piece of our persecution complex. Namely, Texans don’t often leave Texas. Most of us are vaguely aware of the outside world. We know the United States consists of somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty states, but we also know that other than California and Alaska, none of the other states much matter. We base this conclusion on the likelihood of survival in the case of succession. Independence. You see, self-reliance is one of the only currencies universally accepted in Texas.
Texans don’t need you. This doesn’t mean we don’t like you (although this is often the case if you are seen as a threat to our independence). You need us, that’s just a given. Taken together, our perceived constant need for vigilance and our overblown sense of arrogance/self-importance, result in the exaggerated pronouncement of our loud, brash, and boisterous nature on the rare occasion we venture outside our state borders.
I know, understanding all of this does nothing to make the prodigal Texan less annoying to deal with on the occasion you come across one. But perhaps you can summon your patience now that you know that inside a traveling Texan’s boisterous exterior is a scared pilgrim, a noble adventurer who has cast out further than any of their ilk. The few of us who are able to successfully make the transition to life beyond the Lone Star state often become beacons of empathy due to our catalogue of cross-cultural experiences. So if you know of a relocated Texan, a now-enlightened-member-of-greater-society, feel free to inquire of their worldly wisdom. I’m confident they will have much to teach. (Or, if not, just ignore them.)
At the Desk This Week
Nothing new on the writing side of things. I’ve been doing a ton of reading. I’ve been reading a ton of non-fiction again as well, in an attempt to understand the behaviors of my fellow humans. It’s fascinating while also intimidating and scary. I know I’ll return to writing eventually. At some point, I’ll have to process everything I’m experiencing through the lives of my characters—put them to the test and see how they respond. But for the time being, I believe that the test is being put to me. I’m not confident about my response. Not yet.
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