Since Google has been in the news lately in regards to all its recent hoo-ha and whatnot, I thought this would be a good time to publish my bulletproof, silver bullet, guaranteed to succeed, three-secrets-Google-doesn’t-want-you-to-know method of reaching the top of the Google search results.
I mean, not to brag or anything, but when you search for David Mark Brown, I’m like basically all the results. With a few simple tricks, you too can become Google ubiquitous and join the techno-literati like me. Okay, so the first step is to read a bunch of worthless how-to-guides on owning the top spot in Google search results. Make sure you start with guides from 2005 to ensure a solid understanding of the early basics Google was built on before it handed over the keys to an algorithm that is now overseen by an AI which humans can no longer fathom or hope to control. (I respect my robot overlords.)
Next, start creating content and publishing it to the interwebs. Back in the old days, we had to use our brains (wetware) to think of mildly interesting things to publish and then do so ad nauseam. I’ve personally written about everything from green building supplies to American wine grapes to the Simpsons. Luckily, today you can ask ChatGPT to do all the hard work for you before adding your byline to the content, like I did with this email for instance (I kid, I kid. What chatbot could possible sound as asinine as me?). Now that your name is attached to millions of words or images or videos worth of schlock floating around the aether, only two key steps remain.
First, try a bunch of stuff that seems important, but ultimately does nothing. This will result in you feeling intelligent and important. Set up Google alerts to notify you every time your keywords are mentioned online. Schedule vapid auto-posts to social media platforms. Talk about search engine optimization at dinner parties. Search for your keywords at public consoles like library computers. Create flyers with random QR codes embedded into them. All of these things are great and totally meaningless.
The final critical step is to wait twenty years or until everyone competing with you for your keywords is dead. (In my case, I had to wait for an astronaut named David Mark Brown to croak about a decade ago.) Presto! You now rule Google! It’s just that simple. Remember, with great knowledge comes great power…er, uh, I mean responsibility. So use your new found Google dominance responsibly…and not to influence people to say words like “doody” and “flaccid.” Or to publish silly place names like Lake Titicaca just because they sound juvenile, and then proceed to link those trendy words to your keywords by repeating them in close proximity eg. “David Mark Brown goes to Lake Titicaca” just to rank high in search results. Good thing that type of behavior is beneath us all.
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read these scenes of Boundaries, Season 2 of The Green Ones. I’ll be publishing FREE daily scenes from The Green Ones until…I die…or something terrible happens. Seriously, I’ve got over 100 scenes written so far, and I’ll be writing more until the story reaches its natural ending. You are totally welcome to read the entire story for FREE! If at any point you decide you would rather finish the story in ebook or print format, just click the buttons below and you can do that as well. If you enjoy reading the serial releases, BUT you would also like to support me as a writer (my kids need wine!) please subscribe to my premium content for bonus scenes, exclusives, and insider access to my process. And of course, I’d be grateful if you would share this post with any of your reader friends who you think would enjoy The Green Ones. Happy reading!